There is somewhat of a personal tradition that I began last year and continued it for just the second time this year. It is a Christmas sort of thing that I somewhat feel obligated to do. But not in the sense of have to do it but I must do it and I am most certainly compelled to do it by the love that has been shown to me through Jesus.
There was a time where it felt that I was chained down to a world of pure lonliness and self destruction. Even though at the same time I had obtained my life long dream of being in band that would be signed by a record company in Dallas, Texas and then prepped up for a possible tour with a major national act. All the while gearing up for a video shoot for MTV's Alternative Nation and loading up to move to Austin , Texas. All this took place within 6 months of my being in the band and obviously the lure of sex, drugs and all that entails it awaited my every turn at every corner. Especially because it was free and always available.
There was such a sense of freedom in that part but such an incredibly life haltering lonliness that walked with me as if it were as present as my very own shadow. My greatest efforts to obliviate this lonliness only complicated my longings for true freedom. How could I be 23 years old and reach my lifelong dream and still realize that the only dominating thought in my mind was suicide?
It was only a few months prior to my joining the band that a very dear friend of mine had taken her own life. Due to massive consumptions of cocaine use she had become so far in debt that she began to prostitute herself sexually in order to payback her debts or to simply score another high. The debt could not be paid and the high could not be reached. And so on a Saturday morning in the summer of 1993 she left a note saying that "this is the only way out" and she put a pistol in her mouth and pulled the trigger.
I remember having an envious feeling of her suicide. How she had been able to go that far so as to escape this world. I remember feeling like that. It's madness to think like that but it was truly a feeling that became like clothing on my weary soul. I can't even begin to remember how many nights I spent in the bars in dowtown Kent hunched over and forcing myself to throw up so I could continue to drink more. Sobriety was the scariest thing in the world to me. I remember the so very many holidays of not having any where to go because I chose my drug soaked agenda over those that I loved and those yhat I was loved by.
That's where this traditional thing comes into play that I started last year. On Christmas Eve, around midnight, I go downtown Kent with little gift bags filled with cookies. There are very few places open. In fact, there is pretty much only one bar open and it is the one that I know I would be in to this day had not this sweet and gentle Jesus been so kind and bold as to enter my shit-filled world.
Last year several friends came along with me to do this "outreach" but this year I wanted to go alone. I can't really say why I went alone other than I just had to go and be with the ones that perhaps are clothed in that same loneliness that enveloped me for so long. My desperation now lies within the cries to bring light into the dark places and no longer in the cries that allow the darkness to overwhelm.
I can tell you that as I began to hand out the cookies how so very quickly smiles and huge "thank you's" overtook this room that was cloaked in the mundane atmosphere of the sound of billiards and the ever enchanting sound of cuss words that let me know I am where He already is. There was even a group of young folks that were evidently foreigners because they could not speak an ounce of English and for as far as I can tell they were Middle Easterners of sorts but love overcomes those barriers quite easily through little bags of cookies. I did not need a translator because as the gift bags left my hands and went into theirs our smiles completed the moment and the message.
Love is quite capable of leaping over the things that we Christians often determine to be things to ignore or stay away from. Now, I love to study theology, read from the gleanings of the best writers of our faith and I am always up for good strong teaching. But listen and hear this with your heart : The greatest theological understandings and moments have derived from the greatest examples of the very Word in flesh in the moment that He sat and ate with the hookers and tax-collectors, in the moment that He placed His holy hands into the puss-filled-cracked-skin of the leper, in the moment that He promised a known thief to be with Him in paradise, and in the moment that He picked up my blistered soul and soothed me into existence again. {Notice the italicized words in this paragraph - they are all forms of faithful action.}
It's amazing that some simple ingredients like flour, eggs, peanut butter, chocolate and sugar are much more effective in showing the Gospel rather than just knowing the Gospel. Some cookies got me past the barriers that so many Christians think they have to compete with. I mean think about it - some cookies and a willingness to just be nice brought some joy into perhaps the most depressing night of the year for people, it overcame language barriers, ethnic barriers, and cultural differences and defeated religiosity.
So let's see shall I attend another conference on how to "reach out" and do church? Hell no, I think I'll go bake up another batch of cookies and head back down to the bar.
My secret: The peanut butter ones with a hershey kiss on top of it tend to be the most effective!!
There was a time where it felt that I was chained down to a world of pure lonliness and self destruction. Even though at the same time I had obtained my life long dream of being in band that would be signed by a record company in Dallas, Texas and then prepped up for a possible tour with a major national act. All the while gearing up for a video shoot for MTV's Alternative Nation and loading up to move to Austin , Texas. All this took place within 6 months of my being in the band and obviously the lure of sex, drugs and all that entails it awaited my every turn at every corner. Especially because it was free and always available.
There was such a sense of freedom in that part but such an incredibly life haltering lonliness that walked with me as if it were as present as my very own shadow. My greatest efforts to obliviate this lonliness only complicated my longings for true freedom. How could I be 23 years old and reach my lifelong dream and still realize that the only dominating thought in my mind was suicide?
It was only a few months prior to my joining the band that a very dear friend of mine had taken her own life. Due to massive consumptions of cocaine use she had become so far in debt that she began to prostitute herself sexually in order to payback her debts or to simply score another high. The debt could not be paid and the high could not be reached. And so on a Saturday morning in the summer of 1993 she left a note saying that "this is the only way out" and she put a pistol in her mouth and pulled the trigger.
I remember having an envious feeling of her suicide. How she had been able to go that far so as to escape this world. I remember feeling like that. It's madness to think like that but it was truly a feeling that became like clothing on my weary soul. I can't even begin to remember how many nights I spent in the bars in dowtown Kent hunched over and forcing myself to throw up so I could continue to drink more. Sobriety was the scariest thing in the world to me. I remember the so very many holidays of not having any where to go because I chose my drug soaked agenda over those that I loved and those yhat I was loved by.
That's where this traditional thing comes into play that I started last year. On Christmas Eve, around midnight, I go downtown Kent with little gift bags filled with cookies. There are very few places open. In fact, there is pretty much only one bar open and it is the one that I know I would be in to this day had not this sweet and gentle Jesus been so kind and bold as to enter my shit-filled world.
Last year several friends came along with me to do this "outreach" but this year I wanted to go alone. I can't really say why I went alone other than I just had to go and be with the ones that perhaps are clothed in that same loneliness that enveloped me for so long. My desperation now lies within the cries to bring light into the dark places and no longer in the cries that allow the darkness to overwhelm.
I can tell you that as I began to hand out the cookies how so very quickly smiles and huge "thank you's" overtook this room that was cloaked in the mundane atmosphere of the sound of billiards and the ever enchanting sound of cuss words that let me know I am where He already is. There was even a group of young folks that were evidently foreigners because they could not speak an ounce of English and for as far as I can tell they were Middle Easterners of sorts but love overcomes those barriers quite easily through little bags of cookies. I did not need a translator because as the gift bags left my hands and went into theirs our smiles completed the moment and the message.
Love is quite capable of leaping over the things that we Christians often determine to be things to ignore or stay away from. Now, I love to study theology, read from the gleanings of the best writers of our faith and I am always up for good strong teaching. But listen and hear this with your heart : The greatest theological understandings and moments have derived from the greatest examples of the very Word in flesh in the moment that He sat and ate with the hookers and tax-collectors, in the moment that He placed His holy hands into the puss-filled-cracked-skin of the leper, in the moment that He promised a known thief to be with Him in paradise, and in the moment that He picked up my blistered soul and soothed me into existence again. {Notice the italicized words in this paragraph - they are all forms of faithful action.}
It's amazing that some simple ingredients like flour, eggs, peanut butter, chocolate and sugar are much more effective in showing the Gospel rather than just knowing the Gospel. Some cookies got me past the barriers that so many Christians think they have to compete with. I mean think about it - some cookies and a willingness to just be nice brought some joy into perhaps the most depressing night of the year for people, it overcame language barriers, ethnic barriers, and cultural differences and defeated religiosity.
So let's see shall I attend another conference on how to "reach out" and do church? Hell no, I think I'll go bake up another batch of cookies and head back down to the bar.
My secret: The peanut butter ones with a hershey kiss on top of it tend to be the most effective!!
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