I have been in a heavy place lately. A few weeks ago some dear friends of mine lost their baby girl just 20 weeks into the pregnancy. I have dealt with the loss of friends and the loss of family but this is something you can never be even slightly prepared for.
I am having a hard time with thoughts of their agony. I will never forget my friend's facial expression as he carried the little casket across the cemetery. I will never forget the outstretched hand of a mom in the deepest of sorrows caressing the edge of that casket. I will never forget the two little girls that adorned that casket with rose pedals and sisterly care.
It halted my ever so busy life to the point where I felt light-headed in trying to reattach myself to reality of having to deal with unthinkable aspects. I never imagined myself having to make a phone call to check on pricing and details for a infant sized casket. That really messed me up. I feel frozen with questions and feel helpless to come to the aid of friends that grieve by the minute.
I feel a sense of gratitude for what I have and for what I don't have to go through. I am almost feeling guilty for the 5 beautiful children I have. That sounds weird but I guess hurt formulates all kinds of things within the thoughts that gather to try to make sense of something that is truly senseless.
I don't want to talk to God about it. Not for a while. Because it makes me confused and angry. I wonder where He is at when babies don't see the light of day and parents are crushed and wounded indefinitely.
